Thoughts, Surroundings & Positive Deposits

Been doing a lot of thinking recently; I mean I am always thinking don’t get it twisted, but been doing more thinking about my surroundings, my interactions and my “people” / network.  It seems the older I have become, the more wise I try to be, the less tolerance I am developing.  All my life I have strived to always do the right thing by others – not always myself.  I have always tried to help when needed, asked or implied.  I have always tried to impart any knowledge I may have on a subject or use my influence or connections to assist others.  I have neither been perfect nor always cautious with my approach, but I have always been consistent.  Basically, I have always tried to leave a positive or helpful deposit regardless of “delivery”.  I have been taking stock of the deposits those around me, past or present, have made in my life.  In being honest with myself, I have to admit – there have been only a small few who have made positive deposits, especially on a consistent basis.  Very few have ever added or done anything without an ulterior motive or “want” in return.  They are all cool, don’t get me wrong, as long as there is a benefit in it for them or a need within them are satisfied.  They take all the time, be it actual time, energy, emotion, money etc…, but do they ever leave a deposit?  When you are in need are they there to lend an ear, a hand or a shoulder?  Sometimes it’s just knowing you can count on someone or someone actually “listening” when you need to get something off your chest.  What’s crazy is when you choose not to give in or can not assist a person who you have always tried or have helped, how quick they flip and attack.  They start to judge or become accusatory of your efforts, not seeing the pattern they have always exhibited.  It’s always about them, never about you.  Then you start hearing how “you’ve changed”, “you don’t care anymore” or the best one “you forgot where you came from”.  Nah, its not that.  Honestly it could mean you just couldn’t provide the necessary assistance or the assistance provided could not solve the actual issue.  Perhaps the positive deposit being left is trying to help them problem solve on their own or see the pattern they’ve created, while giving them the room to adjust and fix.  It’s not always that one specific instance, but rather all the instances before or after that will continue if the pattern is not altered.  Sometimes it’s about big picture processing not individual, micro instance occurrences.   And oh boy, when you call them on this, well – that’s a whole other post.  Suffice it to say, the onus and wrath is put on you and the issue at hand gets blurred.  We as people do evolve, not so much change.  Our perspectives, based on life experiences change.  We must adapt for sure.   Life is full of stresses, most self created.  Our time and energy is limited, especially the older we become.  Thus we must surround ourselves with individuals who consistently leave positive deposits in our lives. I can only assume this is why some folks find God; it gives them that positive infusion of hope and purity we all seek.  I am not saying forget all the old heads, never that.  What I am saying out loud – truly hoping that I am hearing myself, is to just try to guard your time, heart and soul more.   Take stock of those who provide the positive deposits in words, actions or shared experiences, even when they are masked in ways we choose not to see.

They say I’ve changed, I say you didn’t.

– Joe Budden

Disappointment, Heartache & The Perils of Blind Loyalty

This has been building for a while.  I tried to ignore, work around and just hoped I was wrong. To hell with it, the world is full of them.  People who take, take, take- but give very little.  They smile in your face, talking ’bout how “we boys” and “there’s nothing but love”, but in reality they are nothing but bitch ass people who use your “blind loyalty” to fuel their needs, but rarely, if ever, reciprocate.  I was recently told by an outside observer, who was privy to certain moves or comments made by some of those I have held dear to me for many, many years, how I have to seperate emotions and personal feelings from people or business.  He explained how most people “love you” when they can gain from you.  When they can prosper by either your various forms of generosity or word, but have little want to give back or help when their number is called.  The truth of the matter is, these people “don’t give a fuck bout you” and you need to recognize that.  Felt like a ton of bricks just fell on me.  The truth is, deep down – I always knew this.  I am not stupid or naive, but yet I refused to believe or give credence to their blatant tells.  I found myself rationalizing their behavior or actions, refusing to believe the continual small betrayals.  Nah – not my boy – he’s not like that!  Known the brother for 30+ years – nah we family, I would tell myself.  Shoot, even family fall into this category.  We all know those who congratulate you, tell you how happy they are for you when they see you progress some or attain some recognition, but sadly wish you fail deep inside.  They get a sense of joy when things go wrong for you.  Man – that’s some shit right there.  I have loved my folks since I took my first breath.  Helped many of them out in all kinda ways!  Some of ya’ll are reading this right now.  It hurts and angers me to see, hear and/or feel the betrayal, backstabbing or downright disloyalty when it occurs – small or big, it doesn’t matter.  The aforementioned person tried to soften the blow by expressing how much he respects and admires my sense of loyalty to folks, how I try to blend the personal and business aspects of life for win-win situations. But sadly, all he sees is my growing frustrations, disappointments and reactions.  “You gotta stop” I was told, “that stuff will hurt you, kill you even.  People don’t care – only when they can get something from you, when they can’t or don’t like it when you have to correct or call their attention to something, they are quick to turn on you.”  He was being real with me.  The sad truth is – this ain’t groundbreaking news.  The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies.  I’ve been seeing this shit for years, continuously from the same folks; people I have cared about, those held dear; yet I wouldn’t stop assisting, wouldn’t stop helping when I could.  All that I received was a growing sense of resentment.  My fault I guess because they never earned my loyalty.  I have to realize that just because we grew up together, we are family or we have some perceived kinship, doesn’t mean they deserve the blind loyalty, which should be reserved for those who have exhibited it in return. The only people I owe my loyalty to are those who have never made me question theirs! Recently people have said to me, Rog – bro, you’ve changed! You’re not the same!  Someone even told me I used to be the “helper” or the person that took care of things.  Well, where the hell is my help?  Where is my call to see how the hell I’m doing?!?!  Where’s the appreciation??   If I didn’t change, I’d still be knocking people on their ass for less then this. But emotional survival is a battle.  Truth of the matter is, it’s my nature to be caring, to help, to be all in.  I have always tried to see the world as full of opportunities.  Also true is how it’s also in my nature not to sugarcoat things, my opinion being how does that help anyone?  What matters is my heart has always been pure. I keep it 100. I guess people prefer the bullshit to the truth sometimes.  A long while ago someone told me how relationships were all about how one person makes another person feel, what void they fill in the other person’s life or what they can get out of that relationship.  Man, I thought that was the most selfish shit I had ever heard.  Maybe he was right….

There’s something wrong with your character if “opportunity” controls your loyalty….

– Unknown

Honor, Integrity & One’s Code

Throughout my life I have struggled with many levels of betrayal from different folks. It didn’t always register with me, but I always felt a certain kind of way. It didn’t change how I treated or interacted with anyone, but it always left a bad feeling in my gut. Sometimes the betrayals were small in nature, while others were bigger. People would do or not do certain things, leaving me to question how or why. Sometimes, especially when younger, I would approach or call out some folks in an effort to understand their reasoning or inform them how it was not appreciated. As you can imagine, that did not always go over very well, so suffice it to say I had many battles. As I grew older, I would internalize it more and cope differently. Some of these instances, probably more than not, would be very minor to most folks, but to me – especially dealing with friends or family, always left an imprint. Even after these instances, I maintained solid relationships with most because of my sense of loyalty, attempt to accept or understand. But honestly it would chip away at me, sometimes manifesting in bitterness or distrust. I remember thinking one time if it was me? Was I just different? Why do these things bother me or why can I not be like everyone else and let stuff be? Now let me be clear, it wasn’t a difference of opinion or handling a situation correctly in a different way than I would-no; what I am trying to explain is when one of your “people”, who you have been there for whenever needed or helped or listened to or carried or supported, basically doesn’t reciprocate or even appreciate. Again to be clear, I never did anything with the intention of getting anything in return – never. It’s more a hey, we are “peoples” I got you; but I would be damned if others felt similarly. It wasn’t til I met a guy who became a sort of mentor to me, who after working with me for a few weeks, approached me with a smile while saying he understood me, claiming we were very similar. Surprised, I asked how so. He responded how I live by a code. A code he believes not everyone lives by. While humbled by his words, I gave it a little thought, but continued living. Recently I met another professional who after speaking with me a few times, reiterated the same exact thing. He also explained how I live by a certain code of honor & loyalty; a code of helping & thoughtfulness. How I am too hard on myself when things go awry. He mentioned selflessness and sincerity; passionate and thoroughness. To hear this again, it made me acknowledge how I do have a code I try to live by and how it can sometimes affect me when people portray a sense of loyalty or togetherness, but rarely act on it when it doesn’t benefit them or puts them out of their comfort zone. It’s like when you help your friend or cousin move, but when you need the help they are too busy. Or when you call your friends always asking bout their loved ones, but rarely is it initially asked of you. These are the minor ones, all which I am sure can be reasoned about or made excuses as to why, but ultimately it is a snapshot into who they are or what their code is. I understand people have different codes they live by, which is what makes this world interesting. But it’s when they are cingular in focus that give me pause. By no means does it make them all bad people, just different. Different can be great, but when it affects your code or moral fiber, then it may be time to loosen the cord or move on.

When someone shows you who they are you best believe them.

– Maya Angelou

Life’s Pain, Vulnerability & Re-Discovery

Life has a way of humbling you. When you think you have it figured out, it reminds you that you don’t know shit. We think we can control things, steer the outcome to how we want or need. However, what I keep learning, as shared by a good friend of mine, is that all we do is control the process, but not the outcome. We can try a plan for things, try to make things work, save, love, work hard, but ultimately we have no control over what happens. Too many variables can interfere with the ending. Real talk, I have gone through some rough emotional moments recently, culminating in a dark sad moment where I felt lost, alone & broken. Where I felt sorry for myself & asked why me? I thought I had done all I could, was a good man & deserved better. It has put me in a bad emotional place where I want to disappear, be alone & not hear about anything or anyone. When you invest yourself totally in something, someone or in everything you do, but it never seems enough, it gets rough. When you are shunned, ignored, disrespected or taken for granted, even though you know you have extended & exhausted every fiber of your being, only to result in failure, what do you do? How are you to feel? Recently, I have been unable to focus, to overcome this feeling of emptiness. It resulted in real tears. Yeah, those who know me may be surprised, but I cry too. Maybe it was the realization that in this world of billions, I felt alone. I have been trying to dig into my spirituality, to find some meaning, but have yet to come across the answer. I went to church in my search, but instead of contentment, it bought me an overwhelming sense of loneliness, of questions & of confusion. I lost it as an overwhelming feeling of sadness enveloped me. A recent loss suffered just overtook me & I broke down. I became embarrassed; how could I feel this way? Why do I? Life gets painful when you feel pulled in multiple directions, always there for everyone when they need you, but find what you need is never fulfilled. It’s painful when you realize you can’t find happiness where you want it most. I felt like I had nothing left inside, nothing more to give anyone. Like a piece of me was gone, taken & never to be regained. I became reflective, thinking of my experiences & failures, my triumphs & goals. I wondered what the good Lord’s plan was for me & why were my plans not good enough? I tried to suppress the oncoming feelings, but couldn’t. I hated the fact I had gotten to this point, had allowed myself to become vulnerable. I had always prided myself in the belief I could handle anything, but now I had reached a level of brokenness I could not contain any longer. I fashion myself a private person, strong minded & tough. But here I am sharing a piece of me with you, with the hopes of reducing some of the burden. It’s a hard thing when reality hits and you realize how regardless of your efforts, other factors influence outcomes. How what you think is right is wrong, and what you thought was wrong was right. How you can love completely, but still be left empty. How you can work tirelessly, yet be stunted. Somehow, someway we have to overcome this & solider on – never allowing these unexpected feelings to become permanent. I had reached my limit I suppose & just realized I had to keep being me. Stay true to self & maintain my dignity no matter the situation. I have to start thinking of me, living for me & doing me a little more often, while still being who I am, keeping my essence. By this I mean, not sacrificing my personhood to please everyone, thus leaving myself depleted. It might be a long road, but I have no choice. I have always been this way & it has lead me to this point. I have to move forward, learn & grow; accept, persevere & be strong. I am not sure if you all have experienced a moment like I described, but I can tell you it is a deep cleansing of the soul. A cleansing I hope leads to happiness, freedom & inner peace.

I broke down a while ago, picking up the pieces; memoirs of how the undefeated can feel depleted.

– Joe Budden

Heartfelt, Struggles & A Daughter’s Love

I have been going through some deep emotional strife recently, things that have caused me to call into question many things. It has caused me to question my spirituality & my life’s meaning. Sometimes, I can’t understand why things go the way they do or how people can allow them to spiral to a point of no return. Although my heart is heavy folks, I have tried to keep my mind clear. It’s just that my heart has a strong current, a strong pulse & has been messing with my mind. It happens to the best of us. In one of my most vulnerable moments, I remembered a passage my oldest daughter wrote to me last Father’s Day. It brought me solace, a reprieve from my sad & troubled soul. I share it with you all now hoping it can show you how one’s child can bring you comfort when it is most needed.

Three days ago, you shared with the world a blog honoring your father. A blog that showed how close you were with him, the struggles of a true man, the appreciation you had for him and still do til this day, but never getting the chance to show him how much you really admired him. It’s funny how God works because all those things you felt about your father, I feel ten times more about you. I believe I know one of the biggest reasons I was put on this earth, and it’s to be there for you. You’re the most amazing, hardworking man I have ever met. Through your “daddy jewels”, discussions, inspirations and lessons, you have showed me what a true man looks like. I’m here to protect you, love you and always remind you that you did turn out fine- a man, just like your father. You know what they say, “they wait till your dead to give you your roses.” While sad, it’s true; so I promise myself everyday that I’m breathing on this earth, to show you how much I appreciate you pops, that I love you more than life itself, and that I understand. Words will never truly express what you mean to me, but if this rose can help make your Father’s Day a happy one, this brings more than you know, but not as many as you truly deserve.

Thank you princess, you mean the world to me. I love you…

Do your job so well that when you’re not there it speaks for you.

– Consuelo Kickbusch

Time, Resolutions & New Beginnings

2012 was an interesting year with many ups & downs. It started with such promise, saw it’s share of turbulence & potential then ended with a thud. Once the new year rolls around we get reflective, thinking about what we can do the following year to improve upon our lives while making positive footprints in the lives of others. The problem with resolutions, noble & full of promise as they may be, is they are often short lived. One starts with such enthusiasm to accomplish it all, but inevitably it fizzles, causing us to fall back into our old baits & routines. It is hard for most people to sustain the energy to change everything they feel the need to change; it is why I suggest people take small gradual steps, toward reasonable attainable goals, to fulfill their souls. Focus on the most important goal or needed change in your life & gradually work your way to achieve it. Truthfully, we should not feel the need to wait for the new year to hold ourselves accountable. I guess the new year allows us to hit the reset button, to forget any transgressions and to build on the positive steps taken. Time can be our ally, allowing wounds to heal & resolutions to be reached. Everyday is a new beginning; an opportunity to grow, strive & accomplish. If the new year is when you decide enough is enough on anything, then be definitive. Stay the course, know what you want or need, then take the necessary steps to achieve. Everything that happened the preceding year had a purpose; learn from it. Embrace what was learned or gained, not what failed or was lost. What one considers failure others may see growth. I will share a few of my resolutions with you all to hold myself even more accountable. I hope to become more spiritual & patient. More understanding & compassionate. To read more & develop a long term life plan. But most important, the same resolution I hope for year after year, is to find freedom & inner peace. Being true to myself going forward is a great start.

Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought.

– Henri Bergson

Interactions, Meanings & The Power of Words

Sticks & stones can break my bones, but words can never harm me. Hmmmmm – really? Whoever penned that phrase may have been delusional. Maybe it was their attempt to have people look at a person’s actions while disregarding some of their words? While that may hold firm on occasion, many times it doesn’t. Bones heal my friends, but sometimes words, especially how delivered, linger. I wonder, when someone professes their love & devotion to someone, how in the heat of a discussion, disagreement or argument, they would reach into that person’s soul & insult them in ways they wouldn’t do to anyone else. Say things they know will deeply affect their mate; things that can completely change things in a fateful instant. Are the things they spew what they really feel about that person deep inside? Are they intent on causing this person hurt to placate their need to remedy whatever wrong they feel they were subjected too? Discussions, disagreements or arguments, by nature usually imply a difference of opinions, some stronger than most. But why must it get to a point where the words become daggers & the vibe becomes tenuous? People may think the words used are just that “words”, but fail to realize the power these “words” can yield. How much hurt, resentment & eventual damage they can cause. It can cast doubt over all the positive words & actions they may have done in the past. We have all been guilty of saying things we have regretted, but we must learn from these instances if we want to make any relationship we choose to be in work. It’s hard for people to rip into someone for slights or perceived infractions they themselves do all the time. Blankety stating, “this is how I am”, doesn’t cut it if you want to be in a serious relationship with someone who has expressed some concern over certain reactions, especially if it causes the other person angst. Being in a relationship sometimes means doing & listening to things that one may not care to do at a particular time, but you do anyway because the person you profess to care for needs it. Folks, relationships are hard work, but should be the most rewarding interactions we have. Try to understand the lasting impression some words can have on someone. Is it a pride thing that causes you to lash out with such harsh, insulting words or phrases? Is it pride that causes you to pile on the insults once you see how those words were received instead of apologizing or trying to make right? Is it really worth ruining a wonderful thing over it? Or is it how you really feel & you just want to make sure the intended party knows it? If this is it, is there a better way? Now I understand how certain words can carry more weight with different people or different cultures, but if you are in a relationship and truly love your mate, don’t you owe it to them to understand better the impact your words may have? Think about these things the next time a discussion, disagreement or argument breaks out, it may help keep a good thing going.

Cursing the darkness only delays the dawn.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Definitions, Emotions & True Love

I read an article recently about what love is, which got me thinking. The dictionary defines Love as a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. I find this to be a rather simplistic description of what is probably one of the most complex of emotions. There are different shades of love, love of your children, parents or siblings. But here I speak of a romantic love, which is deep, intense & committed. People who are strongly commited to one another will always have each others back, won’t allow negative talk about them & are compelled to let the world know. When you love someone, deeply love someone, it gives you an uncomfortable feeling of vulnerability, a sense of joy & a sense of fear all in one. Vulnerable because you feel completely exposed. You open your heart & soul to someone completely; you give them pieces of you never given before; you share your innermost thoughts, dreams, fears & aspirations. Joy because you feel full, complete and warm; a silly joy every time you are near them; a joy everytime you see or even talk to them. Fear because you hope the person reciprocates, appreciates and honors your love. You pray you are never taken advantage of or for granted. If lucky, the person loves you back with the same fervor. When in love, it teaches you patience, acceptance & better communication skills. But love also hurts; words sting a lil’ more; actions you normally pay no mind to have greater affect. You find yourself doing things or accepting things you may not have done before. That’s deep love. You learn what the person likes or needs and you instinctively try to fulfill it; it can be something simple like flowers or making their favorite meal to trying to do things not normally done because they enjoy it. I am sure a lot of people love, but I wonder how many love deeply? When you see or hear the person, does your heart smile? Are you willing to do almost anything for that person? Make sacrifices? Are they beautiful on their worse days? When you touch does your temperature rise? Do you just reach out in any way at anytime just because? Do you always have time for them? Do you still love the things that first caught your attention about them? Do you respect how they feel about certain things even though you may not agree or completely understand? You see when you love, really love, it’s no longer just about you & yours. It becomes us. It becomes a deep union of understanding, compromise, passion and sharing. You don’t think or want anyone else, just the person before you. You applaud & console; defend & protect. Money is not an issue between you. You wonder if your patrner would like this or that & then you just get it for them, for no reason but to see them smile. You plan with them in mind; their familes become yours, for better or worse. When you love someone, everything reminds you of them. You give of yourself freely & you both become one. If you are ever lucky enough to experience true love consider yourself truly blessed.

There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice.

– F. Scott Fitzgerald

Thanks, Thoughts & A Son’s Ode To His Dad

June 11, 2012, would have been my dad’s 82nd birthday. I awoke that day, as I do every 11th of June in a somber mood. I laid in bed, looked to the sky & whispered I Love You Dad. My Dad died 20 years ago, in 1992. It was an unexpected death as I remember getting the call from my younger brother, who was still living at home, advising me our Dad had collapsed & was being rushed to the hospital. My heart stopped as I innately knew the outcome would not be good. I jumped in my car & drove the hour into NYC, in a downpour, praying, crying to God to please allow me to speak to my Dad before he goes. Unfortunately, when I arrived at the hospital, my Dad had already passed. I was the first & only person they allowed to see him. There he was, lying alone on a gurney in a supply closet. A piece of me died that moment too. You see my Dad & I had a special relationship. I was his first born son & I adored him like no other. I remember once when I was a little boy, I saw my mom cleaning out his closet. I thought my Dad was leaving so I went nuts, crying, kickin’ & screaming, until they brought me to him, where he waylaid my fears. I remember looking into his eyes that day; he had a sort of twinkle in it – I guess a look a father gets when he realizes how much his son loves him. My Dad was a humble, hard working man. He went to work everyday, never missing a day, no matter how he felt or what the weather was like. Sometimes, when off from school, he would take me to work with him. I remember being so proud of going to work with my Dad. He was a maintenance man at a building complex in Queens, NY, where he would take two trains early every morning & walk a quarter mile to get to. I remember how I would smile as all the tenants seemed to love my Dad, always telling me what a nice man he was. I can honestly say I have never heard anyone have a cross word to say about him. At his viewing, it was a standing room only crowd. The place was packed with well wishers & people whose life my Dad touched in some way or other. Some would say I was a headstrong kid, but I could always count on my Dad understanding me, defending me & believing in me. When my siblings would complain or make an off-handed comment, he was quick to tell them to listen to what I had to say; smart man my Dad! He taught me many things about being a respectful, loving family man. He introduced me to my beloved NY Mets; we would sit together & watch them on most nights, cheering them on. It saddens me we never had the chance to see a live game together as adults. One of my biggest regrets is that I never really did have a chance to tell my Dad how much he meant to me, how much I cared for him, how much I appreciated all he did before he passed that fateful night. If I could give a year of my life to my Dad, I would folks, so I can tell him all the things I should have when he was here. So I could take him out, watch a few games with him, let him know he was revered. Although I believe he has truly watched over me all these years, it would be great to give him a hug & for him to see his boy turned out fine, a man – just like he was. Happy Birthday & Father’s Day Dad…I Love You.

Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind.

– Lionel Hampton

Mars, Venus & WTF?!?

Folks I admit, I give up!  I used to fashion myself a “womanologist”; meaning growing up with five sisters, having numerous female cousins, nieces, daughters etc, I figured I had a good understanding of the female species.  WRONG!!  I tell you it is amazing how people of the opposite sex can see things so differently.  No matter what race, color, creed, education level, job, height, weight etc, women seem to be emotionally the same in so many aspects.  Now now ladies, relax.  I mean no disrespect as I know we need women in our lives & I love the women in mine, but let’s be honest – y’all ain’t easy!  Why is it that when a sister finds a good man, now I mean a real good dude, she starts to find or dwell on his perceived shortcomings?  They expect him to read their minds all the time, know what they are thinking or react to things the way they want him to react?  If he’s home just watching a game, some will complain he is not doing something.  If he’s doing something, they complain cause it’s not how she wants it done.  If he wants to spend time with her, he’s possesive; if he doesn’t, he doesn’t care.  If he makes decisions, he is taking her wants for granted; if he asks her for her opinion before doing something, he’s weak & indecisive.  The worse part is that when a woman first meets a male of interest, she is enamored with how he is, what he does, how he looks or how he carries himself.  Inevitably however, that same female begins to complain and attack those same traits.  Poor brothers begin to wonder WTF?!?  In the beginning they are so sweet, willing to visit her man, do nice things for him, give him a back rub, pick up his laundry,  then slowly but surely, as the man begins to catch feelings and gets into his lady, BOOM, the niceties begin to disappear.   The worse part of it is when I speak to those guys who are no good, that don’t really care about their ladies, who cheat, leech, abuse etc, they seem to not have these issues; their women seem commited & willing to do whatever to keep that situation alive.  They try everything to get that guy to treat them how the good brother was! Again WTF?!?  We all know a female or two or ten, who will lament letting the good one go.  You know the one she didn’t love cause “he was too nice” or “loved her too much”.  She will go on & on how she should have kept him or done better.  Don’t want to hear it anymore ladies.  No man is perfect.  We are fallable just like you.  No, we can not read your minds or even think about things like you do; it is what makes us different as a species.  However, when you find a good dude who loves you, who cares for you & wants to share his life with you, be easy.  Acccept him & his faults, focus on all all the good he actually does.  He may not be perfect, but he may be perfect for you.  So embrace his love, you will probably be rewarded!  Now excuse me, while I attend to my carribean queen who I commit to love and misunderstand for the rest of my life.

Yes Dear?????

I know a bunch of women who play the game trying to find the 1 & a bunch who found the 1 once they stopped playing the game…

                                       – Joe Budden