I readily admit, I am a walking contradiction. There are two of me – the heights me who took no shorts and regulated when necessary and the older me, a bit calmer, wiser and more tolerant. Growing up in the 80’s & early 90’s, I faced a lot of challenges. We grew up in my beloved Washington Heights section of Manhattan, right above Harlem. At the time, the streets were on fire. Everywhere you turned, there were temptations, strife & dangers. As a result, I developed some serious instincts that have guided me through the years. Those coupled with my genetic make up has made me the person I am today – not perfect by any stretch – but resilient. Back then I dealt fire with fire, handled my business with a swiftness & took on any and all challenges those streets tried bringing me. I protected my friends and our honor often – even when those jokers didn’t or wouldn’t understand. Although I was a little rough around the edges, my heart and motives were always in a good place. It took me 32+ years to start chipping away at those edges, refining my approach and handling challenges not always with fire. It remains a work in progress as I approach my 50th year on this Earth. Now I try to think a little more before I react, but I am here to tell you it is extremely hard sometimes, especially dealing in Corporate America. Dealing with individuals who are either hidden bigots, jealous or just plain jerk-offs and having to temper my responses and reactions is one of the hardest things I have had to learn. I continue to struggle with it. There are numerous occasions when something is said, done or insulated when I can feel my ire raise, causing me to want to react swiftly and decisively, but I know I cannot. I have to delve into my verbal judo mode, try to counteract, while leaving all in tact. My instincts yell for me to react differently, but my mind tells me to chill bro. I must be honest, there have been numerous times over the last 18-20 years, where after a situation like this, I retreat to a quiet place, look at myself and have not always been happy with what I see. I feel like I have cheated myself, who I am and most importantly what I am about. But there have been other times, when my reactions are more instinctual and forceful, when I also look at myself disappointingly and realize I could have done better. Why did I let that person or situation define me at that moment? You see folks, it’s a challenge. The problem is people sometimes try to bring the raw out of you, with their selfishness, their indignant behaviors. I have never done well with disrespect, perceived or otherwise. Sometimes I just want to snatch them up, look at them straight in their eyes and say you want to heights me or the newer me – pick quick and watch your mouth. People may read this and lie to themselves by saying disrespect is subjective. I say bullshit, disrespect is disrespect no matter where we are. People think, especially in the business world, that they can say and do whatever they want, because they are protected by the corporate ideologies. I always feel every action creates a reaction so be prepared. Some people will read this and not understand. They will accuse me of being hot tempered, violent or mean. This is not for them – that will never understand, as they are not cut from the same cloth. This is for my Real G’s who understand the struggle, even if theirs is not as pronounced. I think what makes my journey so hard, is because I care so much and am so passionate about everything I do and am. I give my all in everything and when it’s not reciprocated, it affects me. I am trying so hard to take a step back, review the landscape and react accordingly. I continue to be a work in progress. I’ll get there.
You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you. True power is sitting back and observing things with logic. True power is restraint. If words control you that means everyone else can control you. Breathe and allow things to pass.
– Warren Buffett
Nothing But Naut 